Meet Two of the Most Ominous Advertising Pitchmen of All Time

Late at night, my mind works mysterious ways, hence how I got to this tangent. First, I found this on a Google Image search:

The Bacardi Devil! Need I say more? It’s like The Seventh Seal if Max von Sydow had to have a bartend-to-the-death duel or a drinking contest with Death instead of a chess game. I couldn’t tell you when this ad is from—I’d wager the late 70’s or the very early 80’s. Is this some kind of subliminal piece against drunk driving? Where are the beaches, the waterfront bars, the women in bikinis? Here’s your answer: your local liquor store didn’t have 108 different flavors of Bacardi stocked when this ad was released. You either got LIGHT or DARK. No Limón. No Razz. No Coconut. No Peach N’ Purpleberry Mano-e-Mango Tropical Fruit Orgy flavor Bacardi. You have two flavors, choose wisely or burn in a hellfire with a pissed off old man. Ad makes me never want to drink again, knowing the Bacardi Devil might be watching me.

This commercial hails from around late ’88 or early ’89 and, also, it’s kind of scary, so children reading this blog should not be reading unless a parent or guardian is right next to them.

Unless it’s The Creator, the purported curator of the video games made by Ultra Games. This Steven Berkoff-looking motherfucker wants us to play Metal Gear, Defender of the Crown and Skate… OR DIE, where you may have to face off against “Bionic Lester” if you don’t have a friend. Bionic Lester! Thank you, but I will not play Skate or Die with some kind of artificial intelligence named Lester! He tells us he created these games, sums them up for us, then lecherously tells us, “I’m never farther than your TV!” Monstrous thespian, thinks he can intimidate children. It’s like 30 seconds of “You will beg your parents to rent these games, or worse yet, spend your hard-earned allowance and your soul belongs to me as you try to defeat my unbeaten challenges!” Think Pinhead if he was a Bond villain. Or something.

Ultra Games was also behind this nut and soul-crushing game, which The Creator surely had a hand in putting together:


I bet he manically laughed until he fell out of his chair when he came up with that underwater Hurt Locker diffusion routine in the second or third level. Fuck ’em.

Nah… he’s just an actor. He’s having fun.

Have a nice night, everybody.


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