WrestleMania XXX Live!

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Pro wrestling.

I watched and loved it religiously between the ages of 11 and 13. Huge WWF (now WWE) and WCW guy. Tonight, I gather with a few friends and beers at a local apartment for WrestleMania XXX: Insert Awesomely Bad Creative Subtitle Here.

I have a general idea of guys like John Cena, Batista, Daniel Bryan et al. I know people hate this shit now. I know CM Punk got dicked over. I know Hulk Hogan is involved. I don’t know jack shit otherwise regarding the sport anymore.

I respect this sport a lot. It takes a hell of a lot of physical skill and acting to pull this crazy stuff off.

Tonight, I live blog my experiences watching it. In my Roddy Piper shirt.

The Players:

  • Mike Brown – Wrestling superfan. Biggest wrestling fan I know. Flea market companion. Considers every year’s event to be his Christmas.
  • Devon – King of beards. Hosting the get-together. Also a big fan of the stuff.
  • Rachel – Devon’s girlfriend.
  • Matt, Dave and Christian – Devon’s friends.
  • Mike Flynn – Me.
  • Ben – Good friend of mine. Kinda looks like
  • Bryan – Satellite friend on the West Coast. Has already informed me that Jimmy Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin are in attendance.

6:44 PM – I’m here.

6:47 PM – Jack Swagger is the coolest name of all time. And he looks like Tom Wilson. Sadly, the wrestler Ryback has been eliminated.

6:48 PM – Jack Swagger’s manager, Zeb Colter, sounds like an Episode VII character. According to Matt, he advocates for “the American people and detests illegal immigration and all those who comes into this country via green card.” Mr. Abrams, the ball is in your court.

6:50 PM – Matt: “Zeb Colter is Ted Kennedy without the alcohol problem.”

6:51 PM – Swagger Jagger and Survivalist Tim Allen are PISSED at each other.

6:52 PM – SWAGGER JUST GOT FUCKED UP LIKE THAT MONSTER THAT SWINGS CONAN AROUND THE MIRROR ROOM IN CONAN THE DESTROYER.

6:53 PM – It’s not even the beginning and I’m making Conan the Destroyer references.

7:00 PM – Vickie Guerrero, a woman who talks like an abhorrent hall monitor from high school, is putting the Women’s Champion (Divas) through a gauntlet of other female wrestlers. It’s like they realized a Chuck Norris movie with chicks, or the Ultimate Warrior-is-the-villain classic Firepower.

7:01 PM – IT IS ON. Despite some technical difficulties…

7:03 PM – My friends are gonna be PISSED if this is just a Treme marathon due to a technical difficulty.

7:04 PM – Triple H is wearing a suit? He looks like Brian Thompson in Lionheart.

7:06 PM – Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Suburban Commando!

7:08 PM – Beware of Mountain Dew Mouth, boys! Or is that Herbert West’s goo?

7:10 PM – Hulk just said he was at the Pontiac Silverdome. He’s wrestling’s John Travolta.

7:11 PM STONE COLD!!!! STONE COLD!!!!!!! STONE COLD!!!!!!!!! Steve fucking Austin. Another wrestler I actually love.

7:14 PM – This is like Heat for professional wrestling.

7:15 PM – Scratch that. It’s just become The Expendables and Heat combined for pro wrestling.

7:21 PM – Even after he became “Dwayne Johnson,” I’ve never been able to escape calling him The Rock.

7:22 PM – I think holiday parties conceive more children than WrestleMania.

7:23 PM – Johnson ’16?

7:24 PM – That was so badass I think if Roddy Piper showed up I’d get tingly and stuff.

7:26 PM – Daniel Bryan looks like Spike Jonze took Joaquin Phoenix’s beard.

7:29 PM – Triple H: “I had to fuck Daniel Bryan over because he made a mistake. Now it’s time to erase that mistake.”

7:31 PM – Stephanie McMahon is wearing Seinfeld’s puffy shirt from the leather collection. Also, is this Game of Thrones cross-promotion?

7:32 PM – Mike Brown: “Is this Shao Kahn?”

7:33 PM – MOTORHEAD RULZ YEEEEEAHHHHH. No really. Lemmy. Never ask if Lemmy or God is better because Lemmy is God.

7:34 PM – Matt: “[Stephanie McMahon] looks like a Jet Blue dominatrix.” (puffs eCig)

7:36 PM – I like this Daniel Bryan guy. He sort of looks like he’s cosplaying as The Photojournalist from Apocalypse Now and he’s got a totally appealing cult-of-personality thing going. Hopefully he beats the nose man from the old Afrin commercials.

7:38 PM – Stephanie McMahon should make The Bride’s Death List Six.

7:47 PM – We’re now eating Domino’s: the official pizza of pro wrestling fans… without class.

7:50 PM – Bryan needs to pull a Riggs and pop that shoulder into place! Also Stephanie McMahon is really starting to remind me of Simon Gruber’s lover/henchwoman. That or the chick from Team Rocket. In a Jet Blue dominatrix costume.

7:57 PM – Devon: “There’s too much Chris Benoit.” Mike Brown: “I’m offended.”

7:58 PM – I’m suddenly being reminded of the Quaalude Crawl.

8:00 PM – I wish Whip Whitaker took this Steph MC down with her.

8:04 PM – Cool dude wins.

8:07 PM – 14 years later, they’re less Gen-X villains and more Prochnow and Nielsen from Beverly Hills Cop II.

8:08 PM – Pay-per-views have commercials now?

8:09 PM – Daniel Bryan is like a human Swamp Thing.

8:11 PM – It’s the New Age Outlaws and Kane versus The Shield, who are not based off the show but look like they’d ride with The Punisher kicking ass in the Marvel Universe.

8:12 PM – The Shield actually dresses more like targets of The Punisher.

8:14 PM – Dio Fuegos take the match.

8:16 PM – More golden oldies! I can get behind this.

8:17 PM – And now, 29 men and Captain Insano fight in a ring that is mildly too small for all of them for a giant Andre the Giant statue. Was a lifetime supply of peanuts too arcane a prize?

8:19 PM – I don’t know who 95% of these people are. I like the dude who’s wearing a Seahawks uniform/football/Punisher costume singlet.

8:23 PM – Technical difficulties. Nobody in the room gives a shit.

8:26 PM – This just broke a Guinness World Record for Conan the Destroyer homages.

8:27 PM – They sculpted Andre the Giant’s ass into the trophy. His ass.

8:33 PM – John Cena is like Patrick Swayze with less luscious hair and another career.

8:34 PM – The Wyatt Family… aren’t these the villains on this season of Justified?

8:38 PM – It’s a grunge remake of Angel Heart! The bassist is wearing the Phantom of the Paradise’s mask.

8:39 PM – The big lamb guy, is he like the pig dude from Motel Hell?

8:41 PM – “Comout comout wayevah you ah…”

8:46 PM – Hugh Jackman, Ellen DeGeneres and Eminem tweeting. SHIT JUST GOT REAL

8:47 PM – John Cena’s only hope right now is Bayou Billy.

8:50 PM – You know what’s a funny word? Jorts.

9:00 PM – Singing “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” – automatic Con Air joke.

9:06 PM – Cena winning has provoked the response “Go fuck your Make-a-Wishes” from the Peanutso Gallery.

9:08 PM – “Who the fuck is that, Michael Chiklis?” – regarding a guy Cena greets ringside.

9:10 PM – I still have the hots for Lita. Also, YES to DDP, Jake Roberts, Paul Bearer and, HELL YEAH to Mr. T.

9:13 PM – Oh shit, The Ultimate Warrior. Please run to the ring. There was also a transition from Old to Young Warrior screaming that made me explode laughing.

9:15 PM – The Undertaker? More like the Warlock.

9:16 PM – Is Brock Lesnar’s manager John Carroll Lynch?

9:20 PM – FUN FACT! In his off time, Lesnar is a crimefighter named Neckman.

9:23 PM – The Undertaker, accompanied by the power of music by Enigma!

9:26 PM – What’s with Taker’s rhinestone cowboy duster?

9:31 PM – Six minutes and fifty seconds to come to the ring for Undertaker 1886. Look at that hat.

9:32 PM – This is like that Beavis and Butt-head episode where they accidentally cloned Mr. Buzzcut and they fought each other.

9:37 PM – Everybody enjoying Game of Thrones?

9:45 PM – Bryan suggests James Belushi play Paul Heyman in a film.

9:46 PM – I am so bored by Snowflake the albino gorilla.

9:47 PM – If anything, this match is pornographic in its irritation of fair skin.

9:48 PM – Takeaway lesson: unless you’re Mr. T, Mohawks are kind of hideous haircuts.

9:51 PM – Speculation that The Crow… er, Sting is hiding in the rafters right now. Seriously?

10:01 PM – Taker’s gone 21 matches till he loses and the crowd is like “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to Chipotle at dinner time?”

10:08 PM – It’s the male gaze match!

10:09 PM – Shut the fuck up, Wicked Witch of the West.

10:12 PM – This match is a clusterfuck. So many people in the ring. And the commentary booth sounds like a bunch of zombies. Also, why are they called Divas?

10:15 PM – Vickie Guerrero is like a pro wrestling version of Kris Jenner.

10:17 PM – The funniest thing tonight is the sad Reginald VelJohnson lookalike.

10:19 PM – NADA!

10:21 PM – Roddy Piper and Mr. T just hugged each other. Night’s made.

10:25 PM – Main event. Drax the Destroyer rocking lime green Converses.

10:29 PM – A sign reading “Booo-tista,” which is what he’s nicknamed around Halloween.

10:37 PM – The crowd has turned on the show. We’re just pissing on it. I’ve… got nothing funny to say. At the moment, because this is like the cast of Cocoon got their fountain-of-youth powers taken away and they went tobogganing down a glacier.

10:44 PM – Triple H is dressed in a Russian mob tracksuit and Stephanie McMahon has her goddamn Jet Blue dominatrix getup and they’ve been taken out. Also, there’s a French announcer table. All of them being stripped. It’s like a wrestling match of man and machine.

10:48 PM – Bryan just got FUCKED through a table and Batista’s back looks like that of a Yakuza gangster.

10:55 PM – The Bryan guy wins. Hooray. These wrestling fans are happy. I am too. For them. For me, for having one person to give a fuck. Fireworks…

10:56 PM – ..and a BLIZZARD OF CONFETTI! The poor cleanup crew.

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